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SIDS of Pennsylvania - Support Information | |||||||
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If You Would Be an Effective Comforter to Bereaved Parents DO: Listen quietly and uncritically. Mention the deceased child by name, and talk about that child's special endearing qualities. Say you are sorry. Admit your own helplessness and frustration. Cry if you feel like it. Reassure parents that they did everything they could, that the medical care their child received was the best, or whatever else you know to be TRUE and POSITIVE about the care given to their child. Allow parents and siblings to express as much grief as they are feeling. Recognize parent's need to talk about the child they have lost as much and as often as they want, or to review the circumstances of the death as often as they like. Encourage parents to talk freely about their feelings and to be HONEST about what kind of help they REALLY want from others. ASK before you DO! Everyone's needs and desires are different. Be sure the kindness you plan is acceptable beforehand. Give special attention to siblings. They are hurt and confused too, and their parents may be incapable of being very supportive at this time. Remember the parents with a note or a phone call on the birthday or death anniversary of the deceased child. Just say, "I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and remembering _________" DON'T Don't avoid parents because YOU are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends and professionals adds pain to an already painful experience. Don't make comments which in any way suggest that the care given to the child at home, in the hospital, or at the baby-sitters was inadequate. Parents are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their family, friends or professionals. Don't change the subject when they mention their dead child, or avoid mentioning the child's name for fear of reminding them of their pain. They haven't forgotten it!. Don't suggest that it was "God's Will" or that He "needed" their child. Parents will spiritualize the child's death if and when they are ready. Don't point out that they can always have another child, or suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. They may be unable to have other children. Also, children are not interchangeable and cannot replace each other. Don't give advice about what they should feel or do. Feelings are never right or wrong - they just are! Don't say "you ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies judgment about their feelings. Don't say you know how they feel. Unless you have lost a child yourself, you can't know how they feel. Don't assume their grieving is over in a few weeks or even a few months. They may need ongoing support for AT LEAST A YEAR OR LONGER! Don't try to find something positive, such as a moral lesson or closer family ties because of the child's death. The family will come to this realization on their own, if or when it occurs.
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©2006 S.I.D.S. of Pennsylvania Suite 250 Riverfront Place - 810 River Avenue - Pittsburgh, PA 15212 412-322-5680 or 800-PA1-SIDS (800-721-7437)
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