What If I Grieved Perfectly?

     As an educator and counselor in the field of loss and grief, and as a bereaved person myself, I have worked with hundreds of bereaved people in severe agony.

     The ability of any one person to survive the intense pain of the loss of a loved one is a tribute to the human spirit.  While each of us has our own path through the grief process, a common theme runs through our grief: the need to do things “right.”  Many of my clients have made statements such as, “I’m crying too much,” or, “I guess I shouldn’t feel so guilty,” and “I wish I didn’t feel so depressed.”

     I want to ask you a question:  “In your general approach to life, where are you on the “Perfectionist Scale”?  That is, when you do things, how perfect must they be in order for you to feel okay about them?  Refer to the scale below and circle the one response that matches your level of perfectionism by asking yourself, “How much of a need do I have to be perfect?”

                                  Very Low                                            Slightly High

                                  Somewhat Low                                         Somewhat High

                                  Slightly Low                                              Very High

                                  Medium Level

     Next, we are going to look at several areas related to grieving to see how any of your perfectionistic beliefs can affect your bereavement.  The important thing to keep in mind, of course, is there is no such thing as perfect grieving—we all grieve differently.  There is no “right” or “wrong” way.  It is true that the bereavement process is similar in some ways to all human beings, but it is also true that grief is unique for each individual.  Grief is the emotional outcome of bereavement and since perfectionism is more logical than emotional, perfectionism and grief just don’t mix.

     The list that follows is not intended to make light of the bereavement process. It is offered to show that the added burden of perfectionism complicates the bereavement process at a time when emotion, rather than logic, is the rule.  Individually, each of the examples below is not a problem, but cumulatively their effect on a bereaved person can negatively impact the healing process.  You may want to circle the ones that apply to you and answer the question: “Can I let go of this belief?”

If I grieved perfectly:

1. I would only miss my loved one a little.  Whenever I would go out to places that would remind me of the life that I had lived I would only smile.  The memories that flood me would bring tears of joy because I would be so happy that I had this person in my life as long as I did.
2.  

2. In conversation, I would mention the name of my loved one just enough.  I would do this out of respect for those people around me who would be uncomfortable with “excessive” mention of this person.  Thus, people would see that I’m not being obsessive in my need to remember the life of my loved one. 
3.  

3. I would cry just enough.  Tears would be shed for “good” reasons, and though crying on special days would be okay, crying for no reason would not.  Also, I would not cry for more than a few minutes at a time, and excessive weeping and wailing would be out.
4.  

4. Each day, I would grieve a little less.  I would feel myself getting better and better as the days and weeks went by.
5.  

5. I would look forward to weekends, holidays and anniversaries.  Holidays would be a time of looking back fondly on memories of the way things used to be.
6.  

6. I would treat myself well.  I would eat a balanced diet, do things that bring me pleasure, get to doctors’ appointments. Go out with friends, and get enough sleep, rest and relaxation.
7.  

7. I would feel little, if any guilt.  I would have no regrets for things I did or didn’t do during the life of my loved one. Also I would not feel guilty over surviving my loved one, over how I’ve grieved, or over not living up to certain standards.
8.  

8. When asked how I was doing, I would say just the right things.  I would let others know that I was grieving (but not too much) and that they needn’t worry because I was going to make it and put this thing behind me.
9.  

9. I would display just the right amount of anger.  I wouldn’t yell, scream, curse or hit anything.  I would feel anger only toward those who legitimately deserved it, and even then I would display it tactfully.
10.  

10. As I went through each day, I would think about the death once or twice.  Because the death is over, there is no need to keep thinking over and over bout something that I can do absolutely nothing about.
11.  

11. When I do think about the death, I would feel a sense of peace.  If my loved one were in pain during the dying process, mainly I would feel relief whenever I thought about the death.  If my religious beliefs called for it, I would be glad that my loved one is in a better place.
12.  

12. I would feel in control of my life.  I would realize that, even though I cannot control death, I can control much of what happens in my life, including my grief.
13.  

13. I wouldn’t have concentration or memory problems.  I would not let any grief reactions interfere with my job or my activities of daily living.
14.  

14. I wouldn’t have the need to join a group to discuss my grief—I would have worked it out myself.  Groups tend to be for those who just can’t pull it together themselves. I would not have to sit with a bunch of people and be in misery with them.
15.  

15. When reminded of the death, I would smile and say just the right thing.  When I saw the pained look of other people looking at me when the death is mentioned, I would put my own feelings aside, smile and say the right things to ease their discomfort.
16.  

16. I would be accepting of the clichés of grief spoken by others.  When people say things like, “I know how you feel,” “It was God’s will,” “She’s in a better place now,” or “It’s time to move on,” I would be able to accept their words as supportive gestures.
17.  

17.  I would never consider suicide because I would realize how much it would hurt my family.  I would have a clear reason for living in the future.
18.  

18. I would progress step by step through the stages of grief.  First I would get rid of all my denial and shock; then I’d work through all my rage, anger, guilt and depression until I arrived at total acceptance.
19.  

19. I would look forward to each day.  Each day would be considered a challenge to live and the future would not be anything to fear.
20.  

20. Any faith I had in God would remain firm.  I would not blame God, and my religious beliefs would not be shaken.
21.  

21. I would not have obsessive thoughts.  The accident or illness would not intrude into my thoughts at various times during the day or night.
22.  

22. I would not feel compelled to engage in behaviors or rituals.  I would not feel that I had to do things I a certain way or follow certain rituals to feel less anxious.
23.  

23. I would not ask “Why me?”  I would clearly understand that “the ill wind sweeps over everyone,” and that there is no reason why I should be spared life’s tragedies.
24.  

24. I would be able to stand on my own.  Although I realize that most bereaved people need help from others, I would be able to cope alone with the multitude of reminders, feelings, changes and anxieties.
25.  

25. I would visit the grave site just enough.  I would not feel that I was going too often or not often enough.
26.  

26. After a year, I would be pretty much over it.  When the one-year date came, I would have gone through each significant date once, and I would know how to manage them in the future.  In addition, I would believe that it is best to “Get over it, put it behind me and move on with my life.”
27.  

27. Seeing other people at the age my loved one would have been would be okay.  For example, watching friends of my son graduate, get married and move on their lives (knowing that his life stopped) would not bother me.  Watching couples my age nuzzle and walk hand-in-hand, or seeing a young female shopping with her mother would not affect me.
28.  

28. I would find meaning in the death.  After much work, I would finally make total sense out of this tragedy.

     So, how did you do?  Are there some beliefs that you know you hold but just cannot let go?  Consider bringing this article with you to your next support groups meeting, or show it to a supportive person in your life.  Or, perhaps it may be enough for you now if you are simply aware of the areas where you still have perfectionistic needs.

Whatever you do, the important things to remember are:

1. You are a human and are therefore not perfect.  Can you permit this to be so?
2.  
3. This is not a time in your life to be hard on yourself.  Life and death have been hard enough on you already.
4.  
5. Let yourself grieve in whatever ways you need to.  Eighteen years ago, a widowed woman told me, “I finally realized that it’s okay to feel lousy.”  I never forgot those words, and now I offer them to you.

 

Article excerpted from Bereavement Magazine, May/June, 1995

 

 

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