Couples and Grief

The death of a child is potentially one of the most devastating things that can happen to a marriage or relationship. It creates a crisis for most couples with a high percent experiencing some severe problems. The following general guideline for working through grief in a marriage or relationship were taken from a lecture given by Dr. Howard Mathisen, Ph.D. Dr. Mathisen is co-director of Counseling Affiliates, a private group psychology practice specializing in the treatment of persons experiencing loss-related problems.

1.  Recognize that you cannot always be there for each other - it's not possible and it's not your obligation to each other. Two common traps that couples fall into are protectiveness and resentment don't try to protect your spouse from your negative feelings. Instead, share them. Open communication is always a good thing. Resentment can build if one partner feels he can't be 'down' in front of the other. There are going to be good and bad days for both you, so go ahead and be sad in front of each other.

2.  Recognize that we all grieve differently, and accept that in your spouse. There are great differences in the way men and women grieve and they must be respected.

3.  Talk about your child - be open. To not talk about your child denies his existence. Don't pretend he never happened. It's important to share both the good memories and the bad.

4.  A decreased sex drive is a normal characteristic of depression. As you resolve your grief, the old desires will return. Your loss has not rendered you physiologically frigid or impotent.

5.  Begin to socialize. Enjoyment is a survival tool. Resuming a social life is not abandoning the child you lost, not is it denying him. Self denial will not bring your baby back.

6.  Learn to function again. Re-enter the world of the living. Set goals for yourself each day no matter how small, and don't go to bed at night without meeting your goals. Re-group and strengthen the family unit by sharing activities, especially new ones. Confront the holidays, birthdays, and death anniversaries.

7.  Continue to be parents to your remaining children. As hard as this is, the other children need parenting. Don't make comparison between the child who has died and surviving children. it's a no-win situation for the remaining children and can only be destructive. Don't allow a breakdown of discipline in your home - kids need structure and consistency. And finally, don't hide your grief from your children.

8.  Don't be afraid to seek professional help - either singular or family, short or long term. A child's death is an external attack on a marriage; it is a crisis time for the whole family and a trained professional can help you sort things out. Some danger signs to be aware of are: building resentment toward your spouse, including anger or implied guilt, failure in communication, failure to come home when expected and excessive attraction to the opposite sex.

9.  Utilize spiritual resources at your disposal. It's very easy to blame God - that can lend to a crippling betterness. God, doesn't promise freedom from troubles. He does promise strength and help to make it through.

As a couple, you have experienced a tragic marital setback, but you're the same two people who conceived this child through your love for each other. There really is no rational reason for your loss to affect that love negatively.

Source: Washington State Chapter National SIDS Foundation Alliance

 

 

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