Grief of Couples

When a child dies each parent begins to deal with grief in his or her own way. Some openly express their feelings, crying often and talking freely about their thoughts. Others immerse themselves in work or daily routines and decline to discuss their feelings at all. Parents differ also in their feelings about visible reminders of the baby - for example, whether keeping the child's room intact is comforting and maintains a feeling of closeness with the baby or if it is too painful a reminder of the loss.

Couples often find that grief affects them in opposite ways at any given point in time. It is common to hear couples give the following description of their experience. Initially, one parent may feel overwhelmed by grief and can do little but cry and talk with others about feelings of shock, disbelief, anger, loss, their memories of the baby and of the day of the death. Their partner, on the other hand, may begin to take charge of arranging the details of the memorial service, notify family members, make any necessary decisions, and soon lose themselves in work. One parent may find it very important to be able to go into the child's room and see pictures of the child while the other may avoid any visible memory of the baby.

As the parent who has been openly expressing grief begins to feel better and can resume daily activities, the other parent often feels that they can no longer maintain their pace. They start to feel that they are only going through the motions of work and find themselves suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of anger or sadness. They often worry because they thought they were doing so well and then see themselves losing control.

Throughout this initial period of grief parents also search for a reason for their baby's death. This may take the form of looking for a medical cause for SIDS. They may review articles and research publications about SIDS in hope of finding evidence of a specific cause. They may also try to understand some meaning for the death and for a while may worry that this is in some way a punishment for them. Again, couples often find that while one parent dwells on this, the other is feeling that this is a useless pursuit, thinking that finding an answer will not really change anything. Then at some point the feelings reverse so that the first parent begins to come to terms with the loss while the second starts to question why their baby had to die.

Unfortunately, these different paths people take through grief can lead to misunderstandings and a sense of isolation. The person who starts out expressing their grief can begin to think their partner doesn't care or can become angry at their partner for hiding his or her feelings and not talking or listening: The person who is trying hard to "get on with life" may worry that their partner will not recover.

Actually, these opposite coping styles of some couples may service to function as they grieve. Couples will often recognize their efforts to strive for this balance in statements such as "It's been a terrible week. We've both been really down. We couldn't help each other and noting got done." They often see the swings in feelings as they say such things as "I had to be strong and keep things going but now I can't anymore" or "I saw that my husband was beginning to have a really hard time and I knew I had to pull myself together."

It helps to avoid misunderstandings to know that each person goes through the grief process differently and that for couples the different feelings often serve as a way of allowing time and support for the other to express their feelings.

Ann Kincaid, ACSW

 

 

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