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SIDS of Pennsylvania - Support Information | |||||||
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A Child's Understanding of Death The joys of being a parent are accompanied by many burdens and responsibilities... When a SIDS death occurs in a family, it is the responsibility of the grieving parents to inform the surviving children what has happened. If the parents cannot be the first to tell the other children, they should discuss it with them at some future time. Children are often frightened by seeing their parents experience such intense emotional pain. When talking to a child about a death in the family, it is important for the parents to remember that, until a child is about 9 or 10, they do not understand death in an adult manner.
Children understand death in various ways, depending upon their age. From birth to about the age of 3, the child has no true understanding of death whatsoever: this child is almost totally concerned with his parents and whether they are taking care of him. Thus, if a sibling dies of SIDS, the child is not so much concerned about the sibling as he is about himself and whether his parents will abandon him, send him away, or stop caring for him. Availability of the grieving parent may be more distressing to the very young child than the death of the sibling. Children need the reassurance that parents are not angry with them. This child can best be comforted by reassurances such as : "Mommy and Daddy will always, always, always take care of you forever and ever, no matter what." Explanations of the physical aspects of death are lost on this child and it is best to wait until they get older to try to explain death to them.
The child of four to five starts to understand death by way of comparisons to sleep, to a journey, to departure, to being "not here". It is best to discourage these comparisons lest they develop into a fear of sleep, a fear of leaving home (e.g., going to school), or similar fears. The four to five-yearold needs simple explanation of the death: "Baby sister died of something that only happens to tiny babies, not children your age. Most people don't die until they are all grown up and very, very old: older than you, older than big sister, older than Mommy, older than Daddy, even older than Grandma and Grandpa. But baby sister did die and we'll never see her again. She was a nice baby; we loved her; we are very sad that she died and it makes us cry." The child of four to five usually sees death as a reversible event and may expect the dead sibling to return.
The child from six to about ten tends to be primarily concerned with the physical aspects of death and often asks questions such as " Where is the body?" "Will he be able to breathe in that box?" "Won't it be dark in there?" "Who will feed him?" "Why did he die?" This child tends to see death as a harsh physical punishment. They may fear that the SIDS death was the result of their own rivalrous and jealous feelings. The fear that one has "wished" the sibling dead is a very anxiety-provoking for the school-aged child, but this anxiety is rarely expressed openly. These unexpressed feelings of guilt are often responsible for various psychological problems such as sleeplessness, repeated nightmares, irritability, temper outbursts, and other anxiety-related problems. Parents can help the school-aged child by reassuring them that their angry feelings could not have killed the baby. Parents must also be aware that their reassurances are not always totally effective and the child may continue to have guilty fantasies.
The grieving parent has far less energy to help the older child manage this crisis. Therefore, they may feel overwhelmed and tend to withdraw from other family members. This is quite expectable and understandable. It is important to ask for help from others, whether it be household help or emotional support. Of particular concern is the question of whether one's reaction is "normal". It is normal to be highly depressed during grief. Often people in grief think they (or their children) are going "crazy". In most cases, the grieving person's reactions are due to the high intensity of their feelings and a professional consultation may be very reassuring.
Peter W. Ullman, MSW Reprinted with permission of The Colorado SIDS Program, Inc.
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©2006 S.I.D.S. of Pennsylvania Suite 250 Riverfront Place - 810 River Avenue - Pittsburgh, PA 15212 412-322-5680 or 800-PA1-SIDS (800-721-7437)
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