Now That a New Baby is on the Way ...

Like most parents, you're happy and excited, worried and scared. But for you, this time of waiting and wondering can be very difficult. You have had a baby who died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). You know that SIDS can happen. You know first hand the pain and grief it brings.

• You may be full of joy at the thought of having another baby.

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• You may also be dealing with confusing emotions and fears.

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• You may be worried about family, friends and especially your other children.

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• You may have many questions and worries about the months ahead.

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• You may wonder where to get the help you need. 

This paper, written with the help of parents who have ad a new baby after a SIDS death, will answer some of your questions. It is dedicated to your new baby and you - and to the love you have for your baby who died.

The biggest question for most parents is: "Will SIDS happen again?"

SIDS happens in about 77 infants out of every 100,000 babies born. It hardly happens twice in the same family. Researchers believe that most babies whose brother or sister died of SIDS have a 1% increased risk to die from SIDS over the general population.

It is important to remember that no one was to blame for your baby's death. Not you, not anyone.

SIDS is not hereditary. It is not caused by medical problems in your family history.

SIDS is not contagious. It is not spread from person to person, like a cold.

Nothing you did or didn't do caused SIDS.

Nothing you could have done would have prevented it.

Knowing these facts doesn't always help. It's natural for parents to worry. The fears and confusing emotions you may be feeling are normal.

Expecting parents often feel pulled in two directions at once.

One minute you may be feeling joyful, thinking of the new baby on the way. The next minute you may be in pain, thinking of your baby who died. You maybe afraid that SIDS could happen again.

Expecting a new baby brings up all the questions, all the fears, and all the feelings you h ad when your baby died. At the same time, you feel excited and happy to be welcoming a new baby.

A part of you wishes you could think only of your new baby. Another part will always grieve for your baby who died. When you are grieving, you may feel guilty for not thinking of your new baby. When you find yourself dreaming of your baby-to-come, you may feel guilty about your baby who died.

These mixed feelings are normal. They show that you love the baby who died and that you love the baby who is on the way. You are connected to both your babies in special ways.

It can be hard to trust again.

When your baby died, your trust in life and your confidence in yourself was shaken. And so you may sorry about every detail, both before and after your new baby arrives.

Some parents feel best during pregnancy. They know SIDS can't happen then. Other parents worry not only about SIDS, but about miscarriage, and anything else that could go wrong. Parents who adopt feel these same worries.

Most parents replay the baby's death, remembering what they did not didn't do at the time. They may want to change everything this time. For example, one mother found her baby dead in the next room. When her new baby was born, she carried him with her everywhere. Some parents want to do some things in exactly the same way. One father felt better keeping his baby's room just as it was.

Do what you need to do for comfort.

You are coming to terms with your baby's death, while at the same time, learning to trust in the reality of your new baby. This isn't easy and it takes time. Each parent comes to understand this in his or her own way.

All parents have good and bad days.

A baby brings a new joy and delight to the family. Having a new baby takes away some of the emptiness parents feel after the death of their baby. The new baby doesn't replace the baby who died. But the new joy they feel sometimes helps parents through the intense pain of their loss. As one father said, "Just seeing my new baby's face made me happy."

The first year of your baby's life may be very stressful. It may be hard to sleep. You may find yourself checking your sleeping baby all the time. You may worry about your baby's breathing. You should know that all babies have short breaks in their breathing while they are sleeping. This kind of breathing is normal and doesn't mean something is wrong.

There may be a moment of panic the first time your baby sleeps through the night. Sometimes just walking into your baby's room may give you a scare. You may worry about every cough or fever. All these feelings are normal.

The date you baby died, his or her birthday, or other important times in your baby's life may be hard days for you. It may be good to find someone to talk to on those important anniversary days. Other parents like to spend some time alone to think about the baby who died.

You may begin to feel a sense of relief when your new baby is that one day older than your baby who died. And at the same time, you're happy and relieved, you may also be sad. Every day beyond that day is a time of life that your baby who died was not able to have.

Parents cope in many ways. Each parent is different.

Do what makes you feel comfortable-not what someone else expects you to do.

Parents think of friends and family members.

Family members and friends can be very supportive and positive. But they also have their own grief and worries. They may not understand SIDS or what you are feeling. Sometimes they may not feel comfortable baby-sitting those first few months. They may even be a little hesitant in getting close to your new baby. Other times it may seem they want to forget about the baby who died and focus only on the new baby.

Encourage your family and friends to learn more about SIDS.

Invite them to go to SIDS support group meetings.

Talk to them sometimes about your baby who died.

Encourage them to talk about how they feel.

As them for the help and support you need.

Some people may not be able to support you right now. It's OK to get help from someone else.

Parents worry about their other children.

Your other children are most likely feeling some of the same emotions you are. They might be worried that this baby could die, too. They might be scared that something they might do could cause this baby to die.

This is a good time to talk again about the facts about SIDS with your children.

Remind them that nothing they died or didn't do caused their brother or sister to die.

The new baby may remind your children of the baby who died. It's good to talk about the baby who died and to remember what he or she was like. Your children may want to make something special for the new baby and for the baby who died.

You can help your children know that your family loves and will always remember the baby who died. And they will see the new baby as a different and special person.

What about the toys and clothing?

At some time or another, most parents think about what they want to do with the toys and clothing or the room used by the baby who died.

Some parents want to use all new things.

Others feel better using some of the toys and clothing for the new baby.

Some parents redo the baby's room or even move after the baby's death.

Other parents find comfort in keeping things the same.

It's up to you. Do what feels right to you.

What about child-care?

Because your baby died of SIDS, it may be hard to think about anyone else caring for your new baby. This can be especially true if your baby died while with another care-giver. Parents often worry about leaving their child with another care-giver until that first year has passed.

In those families where both parents work or there is a single parent, child-care can be a necessity. But finding child-care may not be easy.

Some care-givers may be too nervous to take care of a baby whose brother or sister died of SIDS.

If the baby is on a monitor, some care-givers may not feel able to meet the baby's needs.

Finding child-care may take more time and planning this time. As SIDS parents in your area for ideas. Or call your local child-care information number.

It's important to find doctors who can understand your family's special needs.

You may want to stay with the doctors who know your family history first hand. Or you may need to find another doctor or clinic that has dealt with SIDS. Finding supportive doctors is not always easy. Here are some ideas:

Talk to a public health nurse at your health department. Most counties in Pennsylvania have a special nurse who knows about SIDS.

Ask other SIDS parents. Often parents have a good idea which doctors know about SIDS and can understand your needs.

Call the doctor and ask to meet or talk with him or her.

Tell the doctor about your baby who died. As what he or she knows about SIDS. Ask how he or she will take care of the pregnancy and the baby. Talk about home monitoring.

Tell the doctor about your feelings. As how he or she will deal with your nervousness, your fears, and all the questions you may have.

Try to find a doctor or clinic that:

Has up-to-date information about SIDS.

Will answer your questions.

Is willing to work with you.

Will give you support in making decisions about your baby's care. 

What about monitoring the new baby's breathing at home?

A long break in breathing is called apnea. Home apnea monitors are often used for babies with apnea. It is hoped that the monitor will help parents know when a long break in breathing happens.

We know that apnea and SIDS are not the same thing. You should know that:

Most babies who died of SIDS never had apnea.

Home monitoring has not been shown to prevent SIDS. 

There may be medical or emotional reasons to monitor your new baby's breathing.

Ask your doctor about apnea. Tests may be done to look for apnea. These tests cannot show whether your baby is or is not at risk for SIDS.

Talk to your doctor about your feelings about monitoring.

If your baby does not have apnea or some other problem with breathing, you have the choice to monitor or not monitor your baby at home. The decision really depends on how you feel.

Some parents may feel more nervous with the monitor.

Other parents find it comforting to have another watchful eye.

Some parents have used the monitor for a while and decided to stop.

Others didn't want to use it at first and later changed their minds.

Using a home monitor takes some planning. You need to think about many details. Home monitoring can make it hard to get around. Any care-giver you use must be trained in CPR and in how to use the monitor. You must be able to hear the alarm, so doing household chores, like vacuuming, may be a problem.

Monitoring can be expensive. Insurance policies do not always pay for the rental of monitors for babies who have no signs of apnea. It's a good idea to talk to your insurance company ahead of time. If you do not have medical insurance, you public health nurse may have some suggestions.

Every parent makes it through this time in his or her own way.

Talking helps many parents.

Spend time talking to each other about your feelings. If you are a single parent, find someone you trust to talk to.

Be honest about how you are feeling. Find someone who can really listen.

Go to SIDS support group meetings. Even if you have never gone before or have stopped going to meetings. You may find it helpful to go now.

You may want to talk to a counselor about how you are feeling. 

Here are some other things parents have found helpful:

Write your thoughts down in a journal. Some parents write letters to each baby.

Take time to be by yourself sometimes. Giving yourself time to really think about what you are feeling can be important.

Get answers to your worries about SIDS or other things you wonder about.

Wanting and loving another baby is natural.

You will never forget your baby who died. You will always remember the time you had together. Your baby will always have a special place in your life and heart and mind. Your new baby will create a place of his or her own in your life. Parents say that the joys and rewards of having another child out-weigh all the stress and worry.

 

 

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